You And The Abroad Guys This Christmas |BitchUp Ep4.

You And The Abroad Guys This Christmas |BitchUp Ep4.

Hey girl! ‘Tis the Christmas season! The season of local breakups and international hookups. Have you seen the Abroad guys around? They’re here, prowling and fancying. In this episode, I take you through their tactics, how to spot the ingenuine ones and your defence mechanism. Leggo…!


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The Christmas season in Nigeria is synonymous with a lot of things such as spending the entire year’s savings.. haha. It’s like Christmas is designed to spend without guilt. Shop for new stuffs, expensive wears, the classiest wigs, brand new hairstyles and buy gifts – and not feel guilty about any of these expenses come the new year.

Another thing peculiar to this period is weddings; and of course traveling home. And this one is not just in Nigeria but for Nigerians everywhere. LOL. So the greatest beauty of the merry season is that more than half of Nigerians in diaspora fly home – our Abroad guys – it doesn’t matter how bad the country is. It’s like an accountability thing; to mark their name in the register back home and of course show Mama that ‘I’ve made it!’ Which of course means ‘Show the community too’. Village people are prepared to shower praises on the visiting ‘Abroadians’, and of course collect gifts, money and food. It’s all a cycle of merriment.

Consequently, this creates the perfect meeting points for Ladies and Gentlemen. Haha. The ladies are prepped to catch the fancy of these men; the roving eyes of the men returning from the abroad, prowling to behold beautiful women. Therefore, it’s a season of local breakups and international hookups. Catch the drift, don’t you? That’s the dynamics of the season.

I’m guessing you’re seeing them already, the Abroad guys I mean. Lagos is agog with them – the abroad men I mean. Next they move to the East where everything women is happening. They grace the wedding receptions spraying money in dollars. They declare drinks at the bars and night clubs and move around in clean cars, which they will usually sell off before traveling back in January. And most importantly, they will confuse you with money and promises of taking you abroad once you marry them. Hmm my sister, wahala be like bicycle oh, e no dey hard to start. And e bad pas when you no sabi ride bicycle gan, you go crash wella.

So sis! How are you doing? Are you in a hurry to grab an abroad guy? You don already send boyfriend go relegation? These men are not the focus here though, it’s you who’s the focus. How are you handling them? Abi are you going out of your way to have them notice you? Your disposition is screaming “Pick me, Pick me Please?” Nwelu ya nwayoo sister (take it easy). You didn’t survive January to November only to be foolish in December, did you? I’ll be dropping tips below on how to spot the ingenuine abroad guys this Christmas.

1. They Are Quick To Promise You Marriage And Immigration.

This one na wahala for who marriage dey shark like wine. And if abroad too dey shark you join, na double wahala be dat.

If an abroad guy is quick to woo you with marriage and immigration, he’s most likely not genuine, because it’s not that easy dear, the immigration part especially. And need I remind you that most of them are married to white women over there? No babe, you ain’t coming over. You gon’ be the Naija wife – Iyawo.

The deal here is, you get pregnant within the one or two months he’d be here. You’d be excited because you’d think that’s your ticket to America. His mother would be super excited because she gets the wife that she’d be seeing. Not the white wife. She’d be excited because her Iyawo and grandchildren gon’ be in the same house with her. Her excitement is not because she likes you too much oh, don’t be ridiculous; it’s instead that his son didn’t get completely lost in the White Man’s world. She too knows you ain’t going to any America, or Europe, or Australia; because she knows there’s the main madam over there.

Even your own mother might be excited too; in fact everyone around you could very well be excited – all because of ‘Obodo Oyibo’. Try not to get carried away, it mostly never ends in praise.

2. They Are Eager To Spend Money And Push For Sex.

It’s a no-brainer that when men are doling out cash, they’re expecting sex; After all after the party for the club, na the party for the room.

This time though, there isn’t need for the club. It’s merry holiday, everyone’s out and visiting. He meets you through someone that knows someone that knows you. The very first day, he already promises to change your phone: “Nne you shouldn’t be using this kind of phone. I will send you an iphone once I get back to the US”.

What else excites ladies more than this? If phone will come, it means clothes and shoes will come and of course, account will be credited regularly. Once his words have excited you, he’s making moves to get private: his house or a hotel. Now I don’t mind that you want to catch cruise and fornicate joyously, but ensure your head knows that you’re only catching cruise. Drop any expectations because my dear, if you’re sleeping with him with hopes that you guys are entering into a relationship – a genuine, monogamous relationship, just remember say wahala no dey finish. Don’t go and break up with your good, kind and loving boyfriend because of these sly abroad niggas.

3. He Shames You And Ignores You If You Refuse To Fuck Him.

So maybe he made attempts to sleep with you and you refused, next time you meet him in the midst of friends or relatives as the case may be, he ignores you and acts like you don’t exist.

He might even insult you say you’re not mature, not ready to grow up. He could say things like you’re not his type anyway, that he was only trying to see if he could ‘manage’ you.

Here’s a tip. When stuff like this happens, don’t feel bad or ashamed, and most importantly, don’t beg him or sleep with him under duress in order to ‘earn his respect’.

Instead, here’s what to do: Serve him back hot hot. Show up where he is and dress dapper. Engage and laugh at everyone else’s jokes but his. If there’s another abroad guy in your midst, engage him and chat with him extensively. If you’re good with alcohol, drink real good, then leave while he’s still there.

If he calls you immature, tell him that’s his quality actually as you have never seen a grown man whine so much about being denied sex. Look girl, you can get abroad guys that can be real good friends or at least fun to hang with, whether you guys are fucking or not. And funnily enough, these are the types more inclined to help you from over there than these miniature assholes.

4. They Talk Too Loudly About The Abroad.

They never seem to shut up about comparing Nigeria to the abroad. Don’t mind them oh my sister; all na marketing strategy to make you hungry and desperate to follow them in hopes of bringing you to the abroad.

Every small thing you hear “This cannot happen in the States”, “If it’s in the London you can’t see this shit”, and he goes on and on. Just forgerrit, he no follow. On your own don’t you know that Nigeria is bad? Do you need a reminder every 5 minutes? Egugun just be careful sha, Express no far from here”.

So dearie, that’s about it on You and the Abroad Guys this Christmas. Are your eyes open? Watch out for them. Catch fun if you will, but don’t sleep on it. Their wahala no dey end.


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