Hello TEB fam. Today I’m here for my women. My married women. My married women whose marriages are abusive. For real, why are you still in your abusive marriage? Why do women remain in abusive marriages?
This is one question that has no logically justifiable answer. If there were to be a marking scheme, what score would likely be awarded the best answer? …If there’s such thing as best answer.
Let’s go this way, if you say it’s for:
The marriage to remain❌
What people will say❌
The sake of ‘Christianity’❌
Let another woman not replace me❌
I’m praying hard, he will change❌
You see? No answer is befitting. The only answers that can gain you a mark are:
- I’m making runaway plans, set up or make efforts to grow my business, get some money, a place, etc.✅
- I’m gathering facts to send him away from this house and file for divorce✅✅
These two are all you need to be worrying about. Nothing else.
So why do women remain in abusive marriages when there are clearly only two things to do: Leave or Kick him out.
But you see, many of these women don’t leave; not because they don’t crave better, but because they feel incapacitated. They feel they can’t leave. They feel there is nothing left of them. Every shred of dignity and self esteem and respect have been stripped of them.
Yes the brain is funny like that. Remember “gabbage in, gabbage out”, so when you swallow all forms of abuse, it has a way of resetting your brain and filling it with rubbish.
That is why you must guide your sanity with everything you have. Sieve the sort of people you let close to you so you don’t end up a version of yourself that you won’t recognize.
You must be able to identify a potential abuser. Abuse comes in different forms: Verbal abuse, Emotional abuse, Physical abuse. Out of these, emotional abuse is the worst form and most destructive yet most subtle and hardest to break free from.
I will discuss further on the various forms of abuse in a later post. For now, I want to address the unacceptable answers to the question “Why do women remain in abusive marriages?”
This is the most highly used cliché once a toxic marriage is involved. Women are being made to believe they have to remain in the marriage “for the kids”. It is as ironical as it is damaging to those kids.
Children are the purest form of human creation. They are meant to be nurtured, loved and protected. Ironically, none of these is available for children whose mothers are in abusive marriages.
A psychologically damaged mother cannot nurture sane children. Women in abusive marriages cannot raise children with healthy self esteem. They will grow to think less of themselves, withdrawn from the world, even become sociopaths. Both herself and her children live in fear of a violent husband and father. She is unable to protect them. Eventually, it is healthier for kids to be raised by single parents than parents whose marriage is abusive.
To remain married.
This is grossly absurd and it irritates me terribly. Many women just want to be married. They wish for nothing else in the world but to add a “Mrs” to their name.
Funny enough, this is one title that is awarded the moment you gain admission into the institution. So it seldom comes with hardwork, studies or exams. Yet women who have passed all forms of professional exams still act like they have no life because the have not acquired the “Mrs” title.
You see, any woman can get married to any Tom, Dick and Harry. That is why you see lowlife men telling you “I fit marry you keep you for house”. And so, desperate women fall into trap marriages.
Congratulations, keep struggling to remain married to that abusive man while life passes you by. Ask yourself, what will be read as your eulogy the day he kills you directly or indirectly? That you did a great job staying married despite all abuse! Hala, wonderful!
What people will say.
Truth is, you already know what people will say. Therefore, why not focus on what people will not say. I will tell you what they will not say.
They will not say:
“Finally she found herself again”
“She’s really strong!”
“She’s better off without that man”
“It may be hard for her now but she will get better”
“Her kids will be super proud of her”
Are you still killing your senses with what people will say when you should be filling your mind with what they will not say. Now you know what you should be doing.
For the sake of Christianity.
Marriage is a sacred institution, at least the Christian marriage I know, in which two people work hard to maintain. When one party becomes a threat to the existence of the other, is the marriage still sacred? It has lost its holiness and value.
“For better, for worse” means when the going is good and when the going gets tough. Note the word “going“.
When your marriage is abusive, it is no longer going, it is now stagnant.
You have to move yourself to your own lane and “go”.
Let another woman not replace you.
Will you shut up there! Yes, that’s what you should say to anyone who tells you that trash. No one cares that another man will replace him? Why should you be the one to fear being replaced? Your husband devalues, beats or even rapes you, yet you’re scared of being replaced? When you die, you will be replaced so quickly your soul may never rest in peace. Are you not aware that it kills men when their once unhappy wife becomes happy and look fly and they die a thousand deaths when another man is involved in all the flyness.
Yes, let him be the one to worry. You know why? Because he lost a gem. He picked a diamond and coated it with copper. Leave his sorry ass and shed the copper off. Do you know what you should feel for any woman who replaces you? PITY. Because she just walked into the lion’s den. It’s not your job to save her, you’re not responsible for her. Move on already.
- I’m praying hard, he will change.
This is probably the next highly used cliché by women in abusive marriages, after “the kids”. Prayer warrior, congratulations. War Room highest fan, I hail thee.
You have to be alive first before you can pray, hope you know. And you have to have plans underway even while you pray. Prayer is not location-specific. So what is keeping you glued there while you tolerate violence with the miserable excuse that you’re praying? Meanwhile your house is not a church.
Must God answer you from that house? When you move out from the house, can you not keep praying from where you are? Do you think God is a fool and insensitive to your plight that he has to withhold his answer to your prayers because you left the house?
Many have prayed to the grave. Their kids became motherless because they didn’t have the decent sense to leave when they should have. The day you die, you will leave that house by force. Ask yourself, what will be your eulogy the day you’re buried? That you spent your active years praying to get your husband’s attention while he psychologically reduced you to nothing, or beat you to death.
So today, I ask you “Why are you still in your abusive marriage?” Is your answer valid?
Please share and save a woman today. Also, why else do you think women remain in abusive marriages?