This time, our social media is agog with two newly-inaugurated associations: First the Stingy Men Association of Nigeria known as SMAN for short, and second, the Stingy Women Association of Nigeria SWAN for short. Hahaha. I will take a review of these two hot and dripping associations their origin and ideologies and then give you my very unbiased opinion on the whole brouhaha as I wonder, is Unconditional love the goal?
Origin of the Stingy Men Association.
Pertaining to Origin, the Stingy Men Association started to trend in Zambia when a group of Zambian men pledged to spend nothing more than 5 Zambian Kwacha (ZMK) – may not be more than 100 Naira when converted – on their girlfriends. The idea is to use money for investments instead.
This entire thing came after one Zambian Man was arrested for allegedly assaulting his wife because she asked for money to make her hair. Subsequently Nigerians adopted the trend causing it to go viral especially since promoted by notable figures like Don Jazzy, etc.
The association essentially bans men from rendering any form of financial assistance to women; as expressly stated in their Oath of Allegiance with goes like this:
“I ________ solemnly swear to uphold the dignity of this great association with due diligence. To never give shishi by any means of financial exploitation to the other gender. To respect and uphold the Constitution of this great association. So help me God.” hahaha.
And their motto goes thus: “Let me see what I can do” whenever Financial Assistance is requested of them by the gender of Jezebel.
Consequent upon this, women have also come up with their own Stingy Women’s Association, with motto: “Do not open”, picturing a woman with legs tightly closed. LOL.
In as much as we’re caught up in these jokes and cruise on social media, even seeing comedy clips that have been produced in relation to this have had me laughing my gut out; exchanging money for sex, which is depicted by these two Associations, has been a concern expressed by many, wondering if it has become okay or acceptable to promote that the basic relationship between a man and a woman boils down to exchange of money for sexual pleasure.
It is a dicey situation with several complexities, and as immoral as it is, we cannot deny that transactional sex exists. Furthermore, we also cannot pretend that Love comes completely free of charge.
We often hear the saying “Love me for who I am not, for what I bring to the table” and it is termed Unconditional Love. And I have this to say: loving a person for who he is or who she is is not the same thing as unconditional love because that thing that they are, is already a condition for the love.
Then what does Unconditional Love really mean?
Simply put Unconditional Love is Love given without strings attached. It’s the love you offer freely without expecting anything in return. That is, seeing this person happy is already enough reward. It is often called Compassionate love or Agape love, which is what you feel for your parents and siblings.
But it gets dicey when it comes to romantic relationships. Because does unconditional love mean just seeing a person and loving them for free just like that?
To be very honest it’s easy to sound utopian and proclaim unconditional love and therefore become ‘stingy’ to find the woman that ‘truly’ loves you. I’m sorry — or not — to burst your bubble, but Nollywood didn’t do well by us at all. Since there is nothing like unconditional attraction, why do Nigerians set up Gulder Ultimate Searches for unconditional love? All because Nollywood depicts pictures where a poor man is always the lovable spouse and a rich man is only trying to buy your love. Or where a rich man will have to move to another village and act all poor, not owning even a pot and a spoon, and then find true love.
Heads up there is always something that attracts you to a person. There’s a reason you end up falling in love with them. There’s that thing they do for you, or the way in which they do it, or the way they treat you, that makes you fall in love with them and also makes you decide to stay in love with them. So when you say as a man, you will hold your fist tight when you meet a girl you want to ask out – your wahala na serious bicycle.
To start with how many romantic spots do we have in Lagos, or Nigeria even, that wouldn’t cost money? It’s not like we have free parks to take evening walks, that is if you even get such ample relaxation time in this mad Lagos. Or is it our beaches where you will even have to pay to get a seat? Hahaha. Or you want to ask a girl out on a date and ask her to go Dutch, i.e pay for her order? That’s irresponsible. So what really is all this brouhaha about refusing to spend because you are looking for ‘unconditional love’? No dude. Spending comes with the territory.
Me thinks the real problem is that you have tagged these basic stuffs you ought to do as a prize for her to open her legs waaa so you can poke.
Typical instance: you take a lady on a date and in your mind you have already calculated all you have ordered on the table and your heartbeat wants to escalate into tachycardia kpa-kpa-kpa, but then you picture her getting down on you in the room and gasp in joy and anticipation of what should come after. So you console yourself with this. “All I have spent is worth it”.
Oh! Come! On! Dude! It’s all in your head. This is why you feel deprived of your ‘entitlement’ when she says ‘goodnight’ and never sees you again… because you spent but didn’t get compensated. You are not bothered that she didn’t enjoy your company enough to want to see you again. Only that she didn’t f*** you after you bought her dinner.
I shaa have a solution for you. Want to know what it is? Here:
Next time ask a lady
1). Are you hungry?
2). If I don’t buy you dinner this night will you starve?
If the answer is yes then say “I am here to save your life and this is what I expect as a reward; come to my bed and ride me to the moon”.
There! Problem solved. If she does not do that after you buy her dinner, then you have the right to wail. Other than that, something attracted you to her that caused you to approach her. Now you only can hope that something about you will attract her right back. Drop the entitlement.
But if you act all improper and stingy, claiming you want her to give you Unconditional Love – when you’re not her father- then give her the real example. Do anything you want to do for her without expecting anything in return; not sex, not her exclusive affection, not her returning a favour. Even if she has a boyfriend, just keep doing these things for her, after all unconditional love means seeing her happy, even if it’s not with you, should be enough for you. That my dear, is what Unconditional Love entails. Can you can? You go fit?
Because when you say “She has a boyfriend so I’m withdrawing”, your love already has a condition. You see? Are you really sure you know what Unconditional Love means? Because no matter what your father or your mother or your brother your sister do to you, you can’t help but love them. That is Unconditional Love.
Still there is a caveat. If this person begins to go through rough patches and negative personality transformations such that they become an opposite of what you knew and loved, and your staying with them has become increasingly toxic to you, Unconditional Love does not demand that you stay. You can leave a person with love and forgiveness still in your heart but with knowledge that moving on will be the healthiest choice for you both.
So while love may become unconditional with time and growth, staying is never unconditional. Even a Hopeless reason such as not having anywhere else to go, is a reason for staying. Get that?
So are you still forming stingy in the hopes of Unconditional Love? – Forget it, you will suffer depression.
Are you still trying hard to convince a lady somewhere that you love her without offering to help out with any of her needs? – you will fail. Wait, are you sure you love her tho?
And lastly, you that is venting “Why will she be needing money from me? Is she not going to be enjoying the sex too? Now this is the nitty-gritty of the whole SMAN thingy.
You are not out for a romantic relationship, you are out for a transactional sex exchange which is why the SWAN responded with their ‘Do not open motto’, because for a normal relationship you must be willing to be generous with your partner.
Hence in simple terms:
SMAN wan f*ck but no wan pay.
SWAN dey talk say “Money for hand, back for bed”.
Uncle what is your argument again nah? You don’t know what you came for again?
In even simpler terms, na you be the customer, na she be the product. Whether the product is enjoying being used or not is inconsequential to you. Is that not why many of you just ‘pour and go’ and she will not complain? – Because transaction has been completed. Your pleasure alone is the paramount consideration – still because you have paid for it.
Therefore in my very unbiased summary, SMAN is fighting an already lost battle in the Streets of transactional sex – which no matter how immoral and condemnable, is a thing; “Lost” because if you must transact, you must pay. If not, face front and serve God in peace. Or goan invest.
SMAN has no grounds in real time, genuine relationships, because you must be giving in order to express love. What you then give depends on what you can afford to give happily.
However if you are in a relationship which is supposed to be genuine and all you do is the demand and demand from your boyfriend; he’s buying hair, he’s buying shoes, he’s buying sanitary stuffs, he’s buying cosmetics, what is he not buying? Much like he’s your father or guardian, you’re not doing well at all.
Hey man, if you’re the one is this situation and it’s weighing you down emotionally and financially, please what are you still doing in that relationship? You might want to consider that it’s becoming transactional already so you might as well ask her “Nne, how much do you charge for a night? Cos I now feel like I am paying to have access“.
And for SWAN, only you can decide whether you are transacting or just living. Of course while transacting you already know when to open your legs. Other than that, do you love him beyond his material prowess? While this is very important like I have already established, do you love him beyond that? Is there more to him or can anybody with his same, or bigger material prowess simply replace him without stress? That’s how you know if you are transacting, having a fling, or in a love relationship.
So dearie, that’s about it on the Stingy Men Association and Unconditional Love.. So tell me, are you SMAN, or SWAN, or just jejely seeking genuine love? Comment below.