DNA Test Craze – Who’s Your Daddy? |BitchUp Ep5

DNA Test Craze – Who’s Your Daddy? |BitchUp Ep5

DNA Test is the latest trending issue innit? Plenty stories the touch have been flying around. Women are scum is the parade song in vogue. “Ah women bad! After God fear women.” In this episode, I will dive into this overflowing river of DNA Test double wahala, dissect the Cause-Effect relationship to help us handle this problem properly. In the meantime, who’s your daddy?😁


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Let me do a quick intro those who are not up to date. Tori dey for town say plenty women carry another man pikin born for another man
Gehn Gehn.

So, several reported stories on social media say that women have 2, 3 or even more children that do not belong to their husbands. As in children belong to their lovers who could be the ex, the boss at work or just side cocks. However their husbands are unaware and they train these children as their own, performing fatherly duties (such as paying school fees) is a major fuel for the angry outbursts all over the country.

It’s a wonderful phenomenon, in that the outburst from the male folk are both pitiable and hilarious. I don’t know why I find it fascinating – Oh I know why, but I will tell you that later on. Follow me.

A few of the stories I came across featured a woman whose three kids didn’t belong to her husband, one whose first child belongs to her ex but the rest of her kids are for hubby, and even one who is agitated that her husband is considering a DNA test and contemplating faking the kidnap of her first child by dropping him off at an orphanage home in another state because he’s not hobby’s child. There was even one viral story of a bank staff who was having an affair with her director at work, who fathered all her three children and subsequently relocated abroad with him and the kids leaving hubby in final disaster. Wow – Final Disaster sounds like a Nollywood Blockbuster movie title. We go like.. Final disaster 1 & 2, grab your copy now!

All these and many more stories have men wailing and lamenting: “This is evil! How can I be raising another man’s child? This is the highest form of deception and witchcraft.” finally ending in the latest croon “DNA test mandatory! If it ain’t my kid, carry am leave my house!

Before I enter the matter properly, let me quickly give a rundown of what DNA is and how this DNA test works.

What is DNA?

DNA is short for the Deoxyribonucleic Acid, which is a complex molecule present in all multicellular living things that contains the genetic code of organisms. Whenever organisms reproduce, that is, give birth in human terms, a portion or all of their DNA is passed on to their offspring. This is what ensures continuity from one generation to another. DNA test can reveal several information about a person from the colour of your eyes to your hair type and possible diseases and finally to the topic of the day – paternity relationship. DNA test can use blood samples cheek swabs or more vaguely, fingerprints or hair samples to determine the father or mother of a person.

And now to the koko of the matter: Nigerian men are crying a river that wives are giving the wrong children to the wrong fathers. Gehn Gehn.

So over to you mummies, why now? Why are you doing this to these husbands nah? Kilode? Ok I know I said this is hilarious, but honestly, this is a very serious matter. Wearing my serious face, let’s tackle this anomaly head on. What could be the cause of this problem and what makes it widespread? Because many women are convulsing in the wake of these matters.

I believe this problem is multifaceted and so I will divide it into parts to fully understand the cause-effect relationship.

  1. The damage done.
  2. The Enabling factors.
  3. Flipping the coin.

The Damage Done.

I want to start with the consequences of an action of this gravity. You marry a man, he’s rejoicing profusely on becoming a father, only to discover it was all a farce – not on the day of birth but several years later, after having invested emotionally, spiritually, financially, into this child. This child calls him ‘daddy’ for God’s sake. One is enough deceit for a lifetime, and yet there maybe two or more children who are not his either. Please nah, Aunty, cheat with conscience nah abeg. Haba.

Coming to terms with the truth that a life you have lived for years has been a lie is very difficult and mentally demanding. No man deserves to be put through this torture, so I would never be in support of such inhumane treatment. Many men can be driven by rage to exert disastrous act in the wake of such a Discovery. Please save yourself this torture by coming clean to your husband when you are pregnant for another man. Three ways to avoid ever having to come clean:

  1. Don’t cheat please.
  2. Please cheat with protection.
  3. Use contraceptives.

In a case where you did not do any of these you must please come clean and be prepared for his decision. He might separate from you for a while in order to process all the information. He might forgive you afterwards or end the marriage. Whatever decision he makes is valid.

The Enabling factors.

Now we have established that the act is wrong and unjustifiable, we must also acknowledge the several factors that enable actions like this. After all it’s viral now isn’t it? Meaning that there must be certain reasons why it has become mainstay – because I am sure women didn’t just have a WhatsApp group meeting with an agenda to get pregnant and bring it home to their husbands. Have you given this a thought yet? Well here are my thoughts.

  1. Women (on a large-scale) marry who’s ready (financially) not who they love and truly want to spend their lives with.

But they are not promoting this act all alone; the parents and relatives who are pestering for a husband, and the suitor who gets a good job or booming business and quickly arrives to “pepper them” with his money are all in this together.

Our culture of marriage is one of responsibility than one of personal conviction. So you are of a certain age and this is the right age for a man or a woman to marry, therefore, just find a ‘good girl’ from a good family and boom – wedding. They will tell you love will grow later. Oshey farmer🙌.

Or maybe ladies were rejecting your advances when you didn’t have things going for you; now you have ‘blow’, you sight one pretty girl and insist on scattering her senses with money. You insult her boyfriend and ask him to go and hustle, then you successfully covet her as your wife.

My dear, feelings don’t automatically grow just because you signed on the Dotted Lines. Especially now that men seem to have a special attraction to married women. Yes, in case you didn’t know, in these our days currently, the ring on your wife’s finger draws men rather than repel them. So you see how the chances of infidelity keep widening because the root of the marriage was not well founded – not on true friendship and love, not on God. How can there be no mistaken DNA? That ex you insulted and hijacked your wife from is enjoying your money, your wife, and ultimately fathering your children.

  1. Men (on a large-scale) vehemently refused to pay attention to their fertility.

Uncle say your dick dey fire 3 hours straight no means say you sabi born pikin oh. Please follow your wife to every fertility consultations and tests until you are medically confirmed capable.

Many of you are forming Badoo for your wife while she’s attending every prayer meeting, drinking all sorts of herbs and drugs, without knowing you are the reason for your childlessness. One day the pastor will get her pregnant and we will enter DNA wahala. Many of you are also so vile and wicked and high on your pride that you know of your condition but would still not admit it. Instead you sit back and watch your family humiliate your wife for childlessness.

Tuehh! And you were born of a woman?

When this woman out of desperation goes outside to truly confirm and get pregnant, the whole world will sing your praise as “Agu your manhood works!” She will of course never come clean because she finally has peace of mind, in her façade of a marriage. When someday situation comes up that reveals the truth, please don’t come to us and cry foul about DNA test matter.

Flipping the coin.

Finally we get to the point that has been tickling my fancy, giving me all the humour behind my laughs. I mean no matter how bad the situation is you gotta seek the silver lining right? So flipping the coin gives me that silver lining to at least laugh in the midst of this bad condition.

For so many years it was unheard of that a woman would cheat talk less of bringing the pregnancy home. Men held the Monopoly to cheat, birthing bastards everywhere. And they didn’t even stop at that. Most of them would still bring the child or the children home and the family with coax the wife into accepting the child, reminding her how her husband was her Lord and Crown and how she ought to be submissive. After all, the only option would be for her to leave the family and return to her father’s.

It’s ultimately fascinating to see that these man can’t even take what the dish. Oh come on! Do you have any idea how many times women have forgiven their husbands for grievous crimes, both willingly and coaxed, or even threatened with the end of the marriage; and so they forgive and stay because marriage has been important to women for years.

These grievous crimes involve unfaithfulness and illegitimate children, and even beating and battering. Haba! If we can do it, you can do it too. Haha. But seriously do you feel the heat now? Do you feel just a teeny tiny bit of what women from ages past have been feeling when dumped with their husbands’ illegitimate children or even forced to cohabit with his baby mamas.

Public Service Announcement:

You are welcome to the club! Now we have levelled the ground, so we all – both men and women, can now laugh together when happy, cry together when hurt and pass judgement on our hurts without being bias gender-wise.

In summary, don’t dish what you can’t eat, don’t support even of any sort no matter the gender and don’t marry her just because you have the money to covet her – Does she even love you?

Some men actually believe that women don’t need to love their husbands, they only need to respect their husbands. Well if you are one of these men, please don’t complain if she gets pregnant for another man and claim you are the father because she’s only giving you respect while giving her love to another man. If there was love, she most likely would open up to you about this pregnancy out of guilt. So enjoy your respect jejely.

So dearie, that’s about it on the DNA test Craze. So tell me, Who’s your daddy?

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